Dark Mornings, Dark Nights: The Winter Hiking Survival Guide You Didn’t Ask For

You know that glorious stretch of summer where it stayed light until 10pm and we all pretended we were outdoorsy legends? Yeah… that’s over. The dark mornings and darker nights have officially drawn in, and now we’re all expected to keep functioning like this is fine.

But fear not. They say “there’s no such thing as bad weather, only bad clothing.”
They lied. There is definitely bad weather - but there is good gear, warm brews, and a bit of common sense (which most of us ignore until we’re halfway up a hill in a freezing gale).

So, here it is: the realistic, sarcasm-laced winter survival guide you never asked for, but absolutely need if you plan on leaving the house for anything other than bin night.

❄️ 1. You’re Going to Underestimate the Cold - Don’t

Every year the same thing happens: you step outside, instantly regret your life choices, and try to pretend your body isn’t aggressively shutting down.

Layer up. Then add another layer. You’ll take one off later and feel smug.

What you actually need (no, your hoodie isn’t enough):

• Base layer (thermal top & leggings) 

• Decent socks that aren’t “3 for £5” 

• Gloves that aren’t just fashion accessories 

And if you’re heading out for a winter hike, just assume the temperature will drop by 5°C the second you think “It’s actually not that cold.”

QUOTE #1:
“There’s no such thing as bad weather - just people who thought they ‘didn’t need a coat’.”

🔦 2. Darkness Arrives Faster Than Regret – Be Ready to See Stuff

Winter daylight hours are basically:
Grey → Slightly lighter grey → Dark again.

If you’re walking after 3:30pm, congratulations, you’re now night-hiking.

Add these to avoid becoming a BBC missing-person headline:

• Head torch (go hands-free, save dignity) 

• Clip-on reflective band for bags/jackets 

• Power bank (your phone will die faster in the cold) 

Because nothing says “festive season” like trying to navigate a muddy footpath by iPhone torch at 7% battery.

🧊 3. If You Don’t Bring a Hot Drink, You’re Setting Yourself Up to Suffer

Winter rule: warm drink = morale.
Cold drink = “why did I leave my house?”

This is where your flask becomes your personality - and honestly, it should.

Your winter essentials:
🔥 Vacuum Flasks - keep your brew hot for hours even when your soul isn’t
☕ Enamel Mugs - because nothing says “I’m a seasoned hiker now” like showing up with one clipped to your pack

Browse the winter-saving brews here:
👉 Vacuum Flasks Collection
👉 Enamel Mugs

Pro tip: Carry a cheap supermarket whisky miniature in case of emergencies. This is not medical advice - but it is spiritual advice.

🥾 4. Your Feet Are Going to Hate You Without Traction

Snow, ice, mud, questionable paths - winter terrain is out for chaos.

If you don’t want to perform accidental Bambi impressions in front of dog walkers, invest in:

• Microspikes / boot traction grips 

They turn your boots from “maybe fine” into “I’m not dying today.”
Especially handy on those “it’s only a light frost” days that are actually a skating rink.

🥶 5. Hydration Still Matters (Even When You Can’t Feel Your Face)

Just because you’re cold doesn’t mean you don’t need water. Your body is still working, sweating, and desperately trying to keep you alive.

Take a drink. Before your lips freeze to the bottle.

Good news - your water won’t taste like last year’s plastic:
💧 Stainless Steel Water Bottles - reusable, sustainable, don’t alter flavour
💦 Leak-proof designs - so your bag doesn’t become a mini iceberg

Because nothing ruins a winter walk like opening your rucksack to find your spare gloves floating in sadness.

🧠 6. Winter Outdoor Energy Slump Is Real - Prepare to Bribe Yourself

The cold is mentally draining. You need motivation beyond “fresh air is good for you.”

Try this survival-tested method:

Motivation = Bribe + Snack + Hot Drink

Bring snacks you actually like (none of that raisin trail-mix punishment).
And yes, a hot chocolate mid-walk does build character.

If it gets you out the door, it counts as fitness.

🏡 7. For the “I’m Not Hiking in That” Days

Not every winter day needs to be an adventure. Sometimes the most outdoors you get is:

• Walking the dog while muttering “this is hell”

• Putting the bins out in side-ways rain

• Standing on the drive, scraping ice off the windscreen with a bank card

A good flask and layers still apply.

If you do decide to brave an actual hike, refer back to the top of this guide, take everything, and accept you will still forget at least one thing.

QUOTE #2:
“If you’re cold, you’re unprepared. If you’re warm, you’ve packed too much. There is no winning - only surviving.”

🧑🎄 8. The Bonus Festive “Don’t Be That Person” Checklist

Avoid these crimes:

❌ Cotton socks (may as well dip your feet in ice water)
❌ One glove because you “lost the other one last year”
❌ Hiking in December in the same shorts you wore in July
❌ Saying “I don’t need a hat” - you do, and ideally one with a built-in torch

Speaking of which…
🎁 Check out these beauties

This will make you feel like a winter wizard and a useful human.

✅ Final Thoughts: Winter Is Happening Whether We Like It or Not

The dark mornings and darker nights aren’t going anywhere soon.
You have two options:

1. Hibernate and emerge in April questioning why your jeans don’t fit

2. Layer up, pack smart, and embrace the chaos with a brew in hand

If you’re choosing Option 2, you’re my kind of people.

Stay warm, stay sarcastic, and for the love of all things outdoors — take a torch.

If this barely-helpful winter guide made you chuckle (or at least exhale through your nose), you’ll love The Obese Hiker Rambles - my ongoing collection of sarcastic hiking tales, unsolicited advice, and the occasional emotional breakdown halfway up a hill.

Perfect with a brew, ideally in one of my mugs… just saying.
👉 https://theobesehiker.com/blogs/the-obese-hiker-rambles

💸 Some links in this post are affiliate links - which means if you buy something, I might get a tiny cut. Don’t worry, it won’t cost you more… it just keeps me stocked up on brews.