Spotting a Dryrobe Wanker in the Wild
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🦭 Spotting a Dryrobe Wanker in the Wild
There are few creatures more fascinating to the British outdoors scene than the Dryrobe Wanker. Instantly recognisable by their oversized changing robe, they can be found strutting confidently from car parks to shorelines, as if braving the local lake were an Olympic event.
If you’ve never encountered one in their natural habitat, don’t worry - here’s your very unscientific guide to spotting a Dryrobe Wanker in the wild.
🌍 1. The Habitat
While designed for wild swimming, the Dryrobe Wanker is most commonly sighted:
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🛒 Blocking the supermarket cheese aisle
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🚗 Standing dramatically in a windy car park
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☕ Queuing at Costa (with no intention of swimming)
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🐕 Walking the dog like they’ve just conquered Everest
Yes, the robe may be waterproof - but apparently, so are normal jackets.
🔊 2. The Call
The Dryrobe Wanker has a distinctive call. It’s usually something like:
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“It’s all about post-swim warmth.”
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“Oh, you don’t have a Dryrobe? Shame.”
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Or, most commonly: silence - while waiting for you to notice their robe.
🎒 3. The Accessories
The robe is rarely spotted alone. It’s usually paired with:
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A flask of herbal tea (no one drinks it, it’s just for show)
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🎥 GoPro footage of a shaky dive into freezing water
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📖 A wild-swimming anecdote they’ve been waiting all week to tell
👉 Want to kit yourself out properly? Check our Amazon Wild Swimming Gear List for robes, flasks, and other “essentials.”
🔁 4. The Ritual
Every appearance follows the same routine:
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🚶 Stride into view.
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🦸 Flap robe dramatically, as if adjusting sails on the Cutty Sark.
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👀 Stare off into the distance, hoping someone asks, “Did you just swim?”
🧪 5. How to Identify If You Are One
Quick test:
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Do you own more neoprene than actual clothes?
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Do you “casually” wear your robe to Aldi?
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Do you treat a 30-second dip like a spiritual awakening?
If you answered yes to at least one of these… congratulations. You might be the Dryrobe Wanker.
☕ The Perfect Mug for Them (or You)
Whether you’re proudly one of them, or you just like taking the piss, our Dryrobe Wanker mugs (ceramic & enamel) are built for the occasion:
Because nothing says “I’m better than you” like sipping tea from a mug that admits it.
🤷 Final Thoughts
Love them or laugh at them, Dryrobe Wankers aren’t going anywhere. They’ll still be standing in the car park next weekend, steaming from their cold-water dip, waiting for you to notice.
And if you can’t beat them? Join them. Just don’t forget your mug.
💸 Some links in this post are affiliate links - which means if you buy something, I might get a tiny cut. Don’t worry, it won’t cost you more… it just keeps me stocked up on brews.